why do you leave these questions unanswered?

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:04:37 GMT

I will write an entry about my military service as soon as i'm done with my initial training.
I miss everyone, but I am so happy right now.
I have a boyfriend who is amazing.
His name's Aran and he's 21.
I met him at a festival a while ago and sort of really wanted his best friend Asaf but ended up with him...
Which is amazing.

Haha he's covered in freckles.
And used to be a cute red-head but now his hair is brown.
He plays the guitars and writes these amazing songs.

Erez cut all his hair to the way it was when he was younger and used to just gel the front part up.
He's the cutest little boy in the world.
He also just came back from a class trip to Poland.
To the concentration camps.
And ever since he got back he's been far more of a....real person than a grunting...thing.

More to come....

I have to go call my boy.
My Boy!!
<3<3

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 14:08:18 GMT

I have to get one of wisdom teeth removed next week and I'm frightened to death.

has anyone had this done?
how badly is it gonna hurttt?

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 05:53:38 GMT

Just got back from my camping trip with my friends.
It was a little bit amazing.

No wait, a lot.

We got to the big lake place on thursday afternoon, and put up our tent and went in the water and all... Had lunch, fell asleep in the sun, and then it was around 7 PM and we went to have dinner at this cool little place on the beach.

We were sitting around playing backgammon ((Shesh-Besh!!!)) and talking, and I was staring out into the distance as I sometimes do...and suddenly I noticed this guy looking at me.
I apologized for staring, and he and his friend came over and sat with us.
His name was Daniel. He was in the army. Doing exactly what I would have been doing if I had stayed with my cult ((he was part of a different cult)). He loved Kids. And music. No wait, not just music, this band that barely anyone in israel really knows. called umm...Phantom Planet ?!?!
He was cute and attractive and just....amazing.

So we were playing Backgammon, and he beat me, and then his friend made me play him instead and Daniel went to sit near the water with his guitar. I lost pretty quickly and went to sit next to him.
He played some radiohead fo me, and some Phantom Planet, and he held my hand.
Then we went into the water.
It was really warm inside, but there was lots of wind outside, so he held me. and we kissed in the water. and it was one of those moments that you see in movies and youre like "oh I want that" and...it was perfect.
Then we came out of the water and I was freezing and shaking so he wrapped me up in the big sheet we brought to sit on, and n his towel and in my towel, and in his arms. and it was the warmest Ive felt on the outside and on the insie probably since I moved here. and then we sat down on the sheet and talked for a few hours and he taught me to play the guitar.

Thennn around midnight we decided to go on an adventure. we got up and started walkin towards the road.

It goes.... Water, Beach, Grass, Stones, Road, Barbed wire fences, Big banana tree feilds and Citrus feilds.
We found a place where the barbed wire was low and climbed over it, walked through a quarter of a mile of pointy plants with thorns, and got to the most amazing place ive evere seen. tIt was a Patch of grass right between a Banana tree feild and some Orange trees. We could see all the stars perfectly. We lay our our sheet and sleeping bags and sat down.

We sat there for around 4 hours, talking about everything. about out lives. about our views on everything. We're exactly the same. Exactly. and everytime he kissed me I felt...so good.
then at 4:30 we figured we should go back because out friends probly couldnt find us...we went back, and apperenately one of my friends went off and hooked up with his friend, so we both went to sleep in his tent.

It was the best night ever.
It was amazing beyond belief.

The next morning we went swimming together and sat around together and that afternoon he left to go back to the army....
I'll see him probly in 3 weeks at this huge festival...
but it was so hard to let go of the only person Ive ever met in israel who care so much about music..and people...and everything important.

That night we met tons of really cute guys, but everyone seemed so shallow and...not worth it. We went to sleep sort of early and woke up sort of early. then we went swimming and played some card games and..then we went home.

now i'm here.
missing a person I knew for 24 hours.
Or maybe missing the idea of having that person around...

Knowing there are people like that in israel either gives me hope or depressed me for not having found any at all except for daniel.
I havnt decided yet

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 20:04:47 GMT

Putting Tatou by Brand New on repeat for a couple of hours is probably the worst idea for anyone in a bad mood.

But its ok.
it just is.

How did this happen?

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 02:17:42 GMT

I told him my name
Shook his hand
Held on a little bit longer than I needed to
And suddenly we were making out in the middle of the beach.

This day has been filled with little boosts to my ego.

.....Somehow, between the greatness of today and yesterday, I feel emptier than ever right now...
Maybe its because its 5 AM.
Maybe its because of the background music...

Maybe, its hard to be happy knowing that everything could be so much better.

Everything could be so much better.
....Timing is everything.

Final exams

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 22:39:53 GMT

Soooo in Israel, what you do in high school doesn't affect your chances to get into universities at all.
Only your Israeli-type-SAT-exams, and your Final exams ((which are national, only for the subjects you studied)) count.

I just got my national final exams results back, and I got over 90 in every single one of them.

I had no idea what I was doing.
I read the textbook the night before each exam.
I got kicked out of 2 schools in the past 2 years!!!
I almost dropped out before senior year!

AND ALL THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I AM REALLY REALLY SMART!!!

Its almost as if...I can think far enough ahead to look past this horrible military service that i'm dreading...
Its almost as though I have a future.

I dunno. Its nice to know the fact I make horrible choices, don't have a drivers' licence, a job, ambitions, or goals...doesn't affect my intelligence...or my ability to appear inteligent through tests.

Pavel just left my house. He got 60s on his exams, and not only threw out all his school books after realizing he passed and won't have to retake them...he also took down the shelves holding them, because he has no plans of reading a book ever again.

He sure does kiss good...ly....well...
and he has his tongue peirced.
Oh ok i think i'll keep him....

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 01:46:28 GMT

My trip to America:
was:

I saw the people I love the most
And did everything I had planned to do.
And more :-P

I ate canned soup
I saw brand new
I touched kate.
ummm, and tim...?

no.

Lets seeeee....
I slept with allie's cat and with Allie.
And watched 3 seasons of entourage in 2 weeks.
Watched saw 1 and 2 and clerks 2 and se7en and... that might be it
well, a lot of tv.

No white chocolate covered oreos....but its not like i came for them...umm...right

I got a new video Ipod!!! as did my brother, because my parents think he does drugs ((will someone explain the logic?))

Im not going to talk about the deeper parts.
The fact that I was the same person there as i am here...manipulative, upset, boring...
I had a good time. I had an amazing time. I did things Ive wanted to do since 8th grade :-P
I lost my hat....

((hat isn't like a euphamism, its just that i had a hat...and then i left it somehwere))

I left my cards at kate's house.

Theeeen I came back to Israel.
On the flight back, I had 3 seats to myself on the airplane and everyone was really jealous of me and gave me really mean looks whenever they passed by me because they were trying to find comfortable positions by laying their heads on the little fold-out tables....and i was spread out over a row of deats ((thank you daddy)).

I bought a book at the airport called "less than zero" which I really enjoyed.
I ate at wendy's.
OH one day i saw elise and we ate the best sandwich ever it was grilled cheese with bacon and neil made it ((i think)) and it was on this funny bread and it was the best part of my trip other than all the other parts too.

OK so then i really came back to israel, and it was amazing. people need a break from me sometimes to see how much they love me. and the fact i was jet lagged totally worked out becaose people don't do things here until its past midnight anyways.
The second night after I came back, My friends Bar and Rotem came over, and bar had just kissed her boyfriend of 5 months for the first time ((her first kiss, she's 18. i dont know.)) and it was all very exciting. and then we watched saw and then say left.
And then Tal came over at 5 am after an hour of me persuading him he had to see me and 5 minutes of walking wouldnt kill him.
And we hung out and it was awesome.

The next day we went out to a club to play pool, and they play all serious here where you cant touch balls other than your own ((a very good party rule alltogether)) and then we came back to my house because my parents are out of the country, and we were going to watch mallrats but then Itamar called and...I sort of kicked everyone out of my house...

And he slept over. as in...got here, and fell asleep 20 minutes later and told me to wake him up "creatively" at 7.
So at 7 I spilled salt in his ear and he woke up panicked.
It was excellent.

I spoke to slavik the next day.
hes become a bit of an asshole since I left...
he's starting to remind me of jake...
only worse because he realized he's being an ass.
well, whatever, I have enough russians in my life.

Thennnn it was...today ((fast-forward)) and Bar, Lital, Valerie ((who is a russian guy...)) and I went out to play basketball around 8 pm. at 8:05 valerie threw the ball and hit my head.
at 8:30 I dribbled and the little pin that keeps the air in the ball broke
by 8:32 the ball was completely flat and we went home and ordered chinese food.

Everyone went home around 2, and then i was about to go to bad because im going to tel aviv tomorrow morning with Zohar at 9..and then Yaniv started texting and asking if i could get to his house. i told him I dont have a license and he lives 20 minutes away. he told me to get a cab. i told him to pay for my cab. and then we stopped talking. so my friend idan who I probably havnt seen since april sends me a message on ICQ saying he's bored and wants to see me...but I was tired so i said no. at 3 i was in bed and pavel showed up outside my window...so I let him in.

Im glad I did.
Pavel got his tongue peirced.
I love kissing boys with peirced toungs!!! i recomment it to everyone.
And that is the bottom line of my entry.
Goodnight, I love you, thank you for having me in your country.

Kiss a boy with a peirced tongue.
probably the most fun i've had all day.

Umm...2 days? whatwhat?

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 10:38:45 GMT

Im leaving Israel at 1 am Thursday morning, which is...6 PM wednsday your time.
Something around an 11 hour flight to New york I think, so I'll get there at 5 am.
Switch airports in New York.
Fly to boston at 8.
Land, take suitcase, rent car ((well...my mom..)) by...11-ish.
Be in concord by 1 or 2 oclock for sure :)

My number again::
1-203-216-1623.

I only have Kate, Sam, Joyce, Elise and Allie's numbers.
Send me text messages with yours and I'll add them as soon as I land and turn my phone on.

2 dayssss

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 15:39:47 GMT

I'll be in concord on the 20th around 2 oclock in the afternoon :)
That's 6 days from now.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 21:07:22 GMT

So...Israel is at war with Lebanon.
and most of my friends are joining the army this month.

A missile was dropped in Haifa, an hour and a half of driving from my house.

This is surreal, awful, and distressing.

US number

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 14:21:54 GMT

Im going to be in turkey starting tomorrow until thursday
And then there'll be one week until i come to concord :)

my dad gave me the phone im going to use while im there, the number is 1-203-216-1623.
It has voucemail, so you should probably start leaving me exciting messages now so i have stuff to listen to.
Ok go.

seduction mission '06

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 05:56:20 GMT

Sooo as far as losing bets goes, This was probably the best bet to lose.

Last night was so awesome.
Sort of messed up...
But certainly awesome.
Not necessarily worth losing 20 dollars...
And yet...still awesome :-P

Its 9 am, i got home at 8. I really need to get some sleep.

Talked to Allie last night, its ok, she still loves me, she's just on the vineyard.
All is well.

2 more weeks until all will be excellent :)

rape mission+smirnoff ice party

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 19:14:36 GMT

Okay so Slavik and his girlfriend broke up 3 months ago, and since then he's been really quiet and boring.
Me and tal think he's still in love with her.
We've decided to fashion a test to see if this is true.

So long story short
Tomorrow I have to seduce Slavik ((The russian)) and if I'm right and he turns me down because he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Tal ows me the equivelent of 20 dollars.
If I'm wrong and he cooperates....
Well, In that case we'll have to play it by ear :-P

This is so messed up.
((especially considering the fact that Tal and I dated for 3 months, during which he hated every time I met with slavik. And now he's encouraging me to rape him for money))
...Putting it this way makes me think it may not be such a good idea....

But i think its going to make the day interesting.
2 Weeks, One day, And 2 hours left until Im there.

In the meantime, this is what I do for fun.

Ooooh and tonight there's a huge festival sponsored by Smirnoff Ice in Tel-aviv, and all day we were thinking of ways to sneak in...
Until we remembered we are 18. We have IDs proving we are 18. And we can legally drink, and therefore legally go to the festival.
It's less exciting this way
But theres a really good israeli band performing and its on the beach, so im all for it :)
((Im not allowed to drink a lot due to the fact that....It would mix with my meds and destroy my liver and then I would die. which would be unfortunate, 2 weeks before I get to see my favorite people in the world))

Im off to get ready
And tal is coming over to help pick out my clothes for the seducion mission tomorrow, because I wouldnt agree ot his idea of "just wear a trenchcoat and be naked underneath it"
Yes. Classy.

16 daysssss

18 more days

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 19:39:20 GMT

I just swallowed a piece of plastic.

Today I started to watch Lost.
Honestly I have no clue what's going on, what are they doing in the jungle?
How did they get there?
What are the parts where theyre not in the jungle?

You need to help me because it makes my brain hurt a little.

In other news, still ecstatic about visiting and all, today I started taking pictures to show you guys when I get there.
Im also bringin cow chocolate for kate.
Anyone else want anything??

Tomorrow is my final exam in sociology.
I havn't been in school for 2 weeks and I've gotten into the summer state of mind...I havn't studied even a little bit and every time I've tried to I've fallen asleep.
Today some friends came over and we were going to study...instead we made hot dogs and pasta and rice and then fell asleep in the living room. By the time we were done cleaning up it was 7 PM and everyone went home to have dinner.
My parents are in Turkey so no one makes me dinner.
This is why tonight Im having friends over for pizza at around midnight.
Exam starts tomorrow at 9, and seeing as how I've been waking up at 3 pm for the last 2 weeks, I don't see myself waking up.
Which is why I'll get someone to sleep over and make sure I wake up :)

Its 10:30 and I'm really bored...
But its not cool to do fun things before midnight here for some reason in the summer.
Laaaaaame.

I've been having weird dreams for a while, I don't know the underlying meaning of watching various people eating cereal...
But the dreams really just make me tired when I wake up because they're so boring.

I've been listening to songs that remind of concord all day.
Im so excited :)

<3<3
Love you
Miss you
call me if you want to
011-972-547-956-936

Im awake...always pretty much
And if im not I still wouldn't mind waking up for you :)
<3

Concordddd

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 09:48:55 GMT

18 dayssss
You should call me.
011-972-547-956-936

:)
im so excited....
I should be studying for my sociology exam
But i can't concentrate!!!!

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 07:39:56 GMT

Oh my god.
july 20th
to august 3rd

im there.

I need someplace to stay
I need an accurate plan of where im going to be because my dad is stressed

I love my dad so much

please help this work
tell me you love me :)

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 19:26:39 GMT

I wonder if I asked my dad to go to concord for a week of two, if he would let me...
I wonder if it would make anything better
I wonder if there would even be anyone there...
<3 i wonder if anyone still love meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Is everyone taking trips/going to college really soon?

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 23:39:13 GMT

If you look at this, you will cry.
but its not sad.
its extremely awesome
but it will make you wish more than anything that you were living in england.

be prepared:
kate you must look at this even if you really dont want to be sad

http://www.readingfestival.com/displayPage_reading.asp?PageID=445

We are nowhere and its now.

Mon, 22 May 2006 20:54:23 GMT

I havn't updated in 6 months or so.
I havn't had much to say.

My life has been falling apart, slowly, but fairly steadily.
I used to catagorize my life....
it was "boys, school, meds, army, future, youth group, friends".

here we go.
Boys- There was Eliran for a while who told me he really cared about me...and a week later hooked up and started dating my best friend from school.
there was ofer who I was with for a year, while he had a girlfriend, and now we dont speak at all.
There was Itamar, who I hooked up with at my birthday party, then hooked up with pavel his best friend, so he doesn't answer my messages anymore.
There was Shy...
and the other Shy, I kissed both of them at my birthday party, and havnt spoken to them since.
Tal and I don't talk anymore and he's been avoiding me all day.
Ive been avoiding Pene all week and i dont know why
Yaniv is this kid from school who i make out with when my grammar teacher isnt looking....Im pretty sure he has a girlfriend.
Pavel is always busy. as is Idan who i think has a girlfriend now.
as is slavik, who i havnt hooked up with in a few months, and since then we havnt been speaking.
there was Lidor from my youth group who I hooked up with just because I was bored and then when he wanted to actually date me I stopped speaking to him.
There was sagiv who Ive stopped talking to.
and elad who i hooked up with at a festival last month.
these are all people ive hooked up with over the past 2 months trying to find any sort of validation or distraction from my life.
I no longer speak to 90 percent of them.
and i dont know why.

School- I've been doing well. I got 100 on my citizenship final exam....94 in my writing class, 90 in math, 90 in psychology....
And yet I don't want to be there. Im not overwhelmed, I dont feel like im lost, I dont feel anything. I have a sociology exam this week and I have no motivation to study. I didn't study for any of the other exams either, and I did extremely well. wow why am i complaining about this....
oh, its because its all passing me by.
I don't care. I used to get excited over these things.

Army- the israeli military does not want me. Im unstable, I have to be medicated for the rest of my life so I dont spend my days sitting under my desk holding my knees. apperenately its hard to hold a gun like that. i dunno.

Youth group- this youth group was my life. It let me feel like i was doing something, i was helping people, I was being socially active.
Then I had an argument with my counselor. and then i was too scared to meet with her, i have these social anxieties now...
so I just ignored her calls.
until finally she kicked me out pretty much. she gave up on me.
This is a youth group that does not give up on anyone ever.
Except me.

Friends- I have no real friends. Im starting to understand that. My friends use me to meet guys. My friends use me because I have a big house. My friends will no longer need me once they have boyfriends, and that'll be it.

meds- I was back on my meds, and i was so indifferent to everything that I honestly couldnt handle it. I wanted to cry and i would just sit....and wouldn't be able to.
So now I don't take them. I sit and cry. Its ok.
My therapist thinks its nice that Im participating in my life and that depression isnt stopping me from doing things. But its more like my depression is looming in the background. I can have great days. and in the greatest moments I still think "oh well I could die now and then that would be nice because I wouldnt have to deal with coming down from this good feeling".
I dont think thats what it should be like.

Future- I have no future. Im not going anywhere, Im not doing anything. ever.

hope youre all well.
I miss you...I miss 2 years ago, more than anyone could ever imagine.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 20:33:40 GMT

oh my god theres degrassi on video.google!!!!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3229988977938009690&q=degrassi

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 13:49:58 GMT

Dear kate: ((and everyone))
String quartet tribute to Fall out boy:
http://beta.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=2DCD2A99E8304EB0

and to Dashboard ((I think you have this one kate...?))
http://beta.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=8E4839AAD93B87D3

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 20:07:03 GMT

Oh man
Yesterday was Hilarious.

All the 9th-12th graders from my cult were at the nest to get ready for a big Hannuka activity for the younger groups.
Me and Tal hadn't seen each other in 3 days, so we sort of disappeared to the back of the building.

While we were there, Omri ((One of the 10th graders)) discovered that we were allowed to eat the food in the main room which we all though was for the kids, so he was running around the building telling anyone who could find ((food makes us all very excited when we're at cult...))
Anyways, He was running and running and we didn't hear him and he ran to behind the building and saw Me and Tal kissing.

He was shocked.
So he started screaming.
But he didn't want to scream:

"Heela-And-Tal-Are-Behind-The-Building-Making-Out"

because he knew we would kill him, so he started screaming "Rat!!!!A Rat!!!! A Huge huge Rat in the back of the building!!!!!!!" and running around....

Me and Tal came out from differend sides, and everyone was like "Did you guys see the rat?!?! Omri says its huge!!!!!!"
And we just sort of looked around and walked away.
Later in the main room we were all sitting around and one of the group counselors asked Omri about the rat and he was like "It was huge! the size of....2 people! a boy and a girl!!!" and everyone was really confused...
Umm...except me and Tal.

Other than that-Merry Christmas, I wish I was there with all of you <3
Christmas presents for some of you are on their way.
I love you and Miss you all.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 19:53:34 GMT

Pene The Argentinian ((yes, that is his full, proper name)) just asked if I wanted him to stop by tomorrow.
Says he misses me and wants to see me.
...But I have a boyfriend.

Tonight I chose personality over amazing beauty.
and I am incredibly proud.

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:17:38 GMT

I'm....ecstatic with the way my life is going.
I'm back on my meds, and for now, I think Coming back to them was the best decision I have ever made.

I've been happy, with my youth group, with school, with my work, with my friends, with my boyfriend...

WhoaWhoaWhoa did I just say Boyfriend?

yessss. I did. His name is Tal, he's in my youth-group.
Hes not the most beautiful boy I've ever met.
He is sweet, he is caring, he is so good...He's funny, imature, supportive....
awwww

The thing is, I've spent the past 6 months being with the most wanted, attractive, saught-after guys in my school/cult/city, and as nice as it was to know I could have them-There was nothing beyond that.
The feeling of kissing someone I know cares about me is incredibly different.
Incredibly....good.
And believing that I deserve it, is even better.

The other kids at cult can't know though- because two group-counselors dating is sort of against this weird taboo rule.
Maybe we just like to be secretive, Live on the edge....
Its fun to sneak around sometimes.
I suppose they have some clue of what's going on, we've been spending quite a bit of time "cleaning out the storage rooms"
*giggles*

Im so happy guys....
I don't know how serious we are about this relationship. I don't know if it will last past this week, or next...I don't care.
It's just the way Ive been feeling, and just remembering that I can feel this way...
Is amazing.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 20:03:18 GMT

Allie's box has been returned to me by the post-office.
apperenately, it is not only inadvisable to send fruit over the...mail
it is also illegal.

see there's this cool fruit that only grows in Israel and oyu guys dont have it and its really good...
I guess allie will have to come here to eat it. yes.

ummm, for now I am modifying and re-sending the package.